Integral Development Forum

Nonproductive relationships

We become like the people with whom we associate. Period. End of story. We can’t escape it. We can’t change it. We can only recognize the power of the choices we make about the relationships that we build, and then be guided by that knowledge as we choose the people with whom we will invest our time and hearts and dreams. The people in our closest circles of relationship are the ones who will set the environment in which we will live.

If you have ever felt the pressure of friends who unknowingly influence you to be a lesser version of yourself, then you understand the power of this roadblock.

We can overcome the power of this roadblock by choosing to remember that it truly does make a difference. We can then carefully select the people with whom we associate, and we can nurture those relationships that move us along toward significance.

There are nonproductive relationships with things and activities as well. These might include what we watch, what we listen to, and what we read. As certainly as people can have a relationship with another human being, people can have a relationship with a video game or a television show.

We are wise if we begin to understand relationships in life mean something—in fact, they can mean almost everything. They affect us profoundly and we rise to the heights or fall to the depths of the relationships that we build.

• Exercise:
  Do you have non-productive relationships in your life that have become roadblocks for you?
  What steps can you take to disengage from them?

Negative belief

It is not a lack of belief that we must fight against; it is the choice to allow our belief to turn negative that will become the roadblock.

We construct our lives based on the beliefs that we hold. If we can understand that our lives are being built on either a faith in the negative or faith in the positive, we will harness a deeper awareness of the true power of belief.

There is great wisdom in the counsel that encourages us to catch ourselves in the process of building a foundation of faith and then to determine whether it is faith in a negative outcome or faith a positive outcome. When we are working to develop confidence in what can’t happen, or in the things we don’t want to happen, we are roadblocked.

Remember, the good thing about life is that we always have a choice. We have a choice in the investment of our belief. We can choose to believe in what is true and honorable, right and pure, lovely and admirable. We can invest our faith in things that are excellent and worthy of praise and consistent with our hopes and dreams and visions for our future.

When we recognize that this is a proactive and habit-forming style of belief, we can stop placing our belief on the negative side of the ledger anytime we choose. And for me, that is NOW.

• Exercise:
  Is there an area of your life where negative belief has become a roadblock for you?
  What steps can you take to overcome it?

Loose talk

Loose talk is the most frequently constructed roadblock in the lives of people. It develops around the reluctance to believe that what we say makes a difference.

Are we talking about the things we want to happen? Or are we talking about the negative things that we don’t want to happen? When we start talking about our business, our relationships, our future, our health, our hopes and dreams, there is a question that must constantly be asked. “Is that what you want?”

Are we verbalizing what we really want? Are we talking about growth? Are we talking about solutions? Are we talking about success and significance? Or are we just letting our mouths run unfiltered with negative thoughts and emotions and “venting”? Loose talk!

The roadblock to significance in our lives that is associated with loose talk really begins in our minds. Therefore the designation for this roadblock might better be titled — loose thought, loose talk!

What are we creating and affirming by the way we think and the way we speak? Is it laser-focused thought and talk about the things we really want? Is it directed towards the ingredients that will give us significance and purpose in life? Or is it loose thought and loose talk about anything and everything that pops into our minds and meddles with our emotions?

It makes a difference.

• Exercise:
  Is there an area of your life where loose talk or loose thought has become a roadblock for you?
  What steps can you take to overcome it?

Competitive comparison

When we grasp the beauty and the importance of giving, we will reap huge rewards in life. The roadblock comes when we begin to keep score. The giving of my time, compliments, encouragement, help or resources is hugely beneficial unless it is carefully calculated on the basis of how it will impact me.

Competitive comparison produces at least four results in our lives that are highly destructive to the process of achieving significance.

First of all it creates condemnation. When I begin to compare myself with other people, I could begin to feel arrogant, thinking that I am better than they are because of all I have given. On the other side of the coin, I could also begin to feel worthless.

The second thing it does is to corrupt character. When we begin condemning others or ourselves, it begins to corrupt our character. The roadblock is set up and we are no longer free or open people.

The third thing competitive comparison does is to corrode courage.

There are a lot of people who simply do not move on towards something better in those various areas of their lives because they are afraid to really give it their best effort. Their courage is corrupted because of the competitive comparison they have bought in to for so long.

Finally, competitive comparison confuses our convictions.

Our commitment to our life, our business, our family, our future, our dreams, and our hopes is confused. We lose sight of who we are and where we are going and the focus of our purpose is muddled.

I have watched life fall apart for people who simply get distracted by the compulsion to compare themselves with others. This comparison somehow gives them the justification to drop out of their vocation, out of a marriage, out of school, or out of any other part of their life where they feel threatened. And we don’t see them anymore. Why? They gave up. They are roadblocked from significance.

• Exercise:
  Are there people in your life that you tend to compare yourself with? Has that become a roadblock for you?
  What steps can you take to overcome it?

The roadblock on the highway to significance in life that is most powerful, in both my observation of myself and other people, is the lack of personal integrity. As we learned before, integrity means being consistent, or congruent, on the inside and the outside of one’s life.

There are millionaires, there are billionaires, and there are people who possess vast amounts of power or fame who are not people of integrity at all. But to be a person of significance, in my opinion, one has to continually fight this battle with one of the biggest roadblocks there is in life’s journey to significance: integrity.

Here’s the bottom line: when word, thought and deed are consistently congruent, we have integrity. Word, thought, and deed.

One might well ask then, “Are there ways by which I can improve my thought process and thereby protect and strengthen my integrity?” I believe there are many. Invest your life in truth, and then bring your words in conformity with that standard. Develop generous portions of patience, forgiveness, and humility. Focus your life on moral and ethical actions. Build relationships with friends and mentors who hold the same approach to life. Cultivate a boldness for doing the right thing, and do it even when the cost is high. Remember that this pursuit of integrity is not about perfection; it is about persistence, excellence, and commitment.

If we choose to live with a lack of integrity, we will find ourselves staring at a giant impasse of a roadblock on the path to significance. But when we become people of integrity, our significance in life will be substantial.

• Exercise:
  Is there an area of your life where a lack of personal integrity has become a roadblock for you?
  What steps can you take to overcome it?

What is it that causes me to hold myself back from achieving my goals and dreams? What holds me back from significance?

It is certainly my opinion that without honesty about this subject or any other, we won’t proceed very far. So here’s my straightforward approach: at this writing, I’m not convinced that I’m ready to share what I believe to be some of the answers for this question of why we hold ourselves back. I’m not convinced that I am the master of what I think I need to master in order to do some teaching on this particular topic. It is, however, so important that the lack of perfection in my experience should not deter us from the discussion.

There is a pathway of potential to our purpose and significance in life. If we are uncertain as to where we want to go in life, the obstacles are insurmountable. But even when we have a clear direction, there are still major roadblocks that get in the way of our significance. I have identified twelve, and I am delighted to share them with you.

• Exercise:
  Before you embark on the study of roadblocks for the following days, think about why and how you might be holding yourself back.
  Are there answers that clearly come to you?

You and I live in a society that gives us measuring sticks for success.

The experts tell us that we all want to be successful. So, in order to know when we are successful, there’s got to be some quantification or qualification to which we can measure ourselves so that we can feel that we are successful.

A number of the quantifiers come in the area of finances. If one has enough money, then that individual is successful. Sometimes it is established in the area of power. If one is powerful enough, if one controls enough, then that person is considered to be successful. Sometimes, the measurement is all about fame. If one is famous enough, then he or she is successful. So then the questions become: How will I know when I am successful? How will I know when it’s enough?

I happen to believe that none of those three criteria is a good measuring stick for significance and real success in life.

Money, power, and fame have never brought me a deep sense of significance or purpose in life.

Significance has nothing to do with how much money I can accumulate. It has nothing to do with how many people I control or have power over. It has nothing to do with how many people know me or don’t know me.

You may not influence people from the Arctic Circle, but you may influence somebody in your family or church or school or job. You may change his or her life for the better.

I can think of no better way to experience and achieve significance in life than to know that my life positively impacts another life, or two, or hundred, or thousand, for the better.

• Exercise:
  What do you envision as the definition of significance for you?

Momentum is often the only difference between winning and losing, between success and failure.

When momentum is fueling our attitude and our energy levels, we are inspired to believe that we can rise to a higher level of performance … and so we do.

Certainly, we desire to create momentum in our lives that brings the essence of our efforts into a powerful force working for us rather than against us.

Momentum in life is not automatic. Positive momentum is something we must constantly strive for, struggle and fight for, if we are to build the kind of a life that will accomplish greatness.

If we are not working towards creating positive momentum, we will default to a negative momentum without even realizing it.

Doubt, procrastination, complacency, and a lost sense of purpose in life are the warning signs that appear as momentum turns against us. Faith, action, a passion for excellence, and the single-mindedness of personal purpose guide our pathway to positive momentum that impels us onward.

If we establish goals and then give up on them, or if we achieve goals and then feel that we have “arrived” and the challenge is over, we will never have momentum. It is the ongoing process of moving towards a purpose that will create a momentum towards significance in life.

• Exercise:
  Do you see positive momentum or negative momentum in your life?
  What areas do you need to be more deliberate about creating positive momentum?

There is an old saying, “Patience is a virtue.” In our world today, we aren’t used to waiting. Things move quickly, sometimes almost instantaneously. Our food can be microwaved, our entertainment is on-demand, and our mobile devices can access almost any answer we feel the need to find in mere seconds after we feel the need to find it.

Our society says, “I want it and I want it now.”

The reality is that although technology has greatly increased the pace at which we live life, there are still certain things that take an investment of time. For example, if I want to learn to play the piano, it’s a process.

When I set out on the journey, I must realize that I may have setbacks. Perhaps I will struggle with a certain technique and I will need to put in extra hours, days, or weeks to work through my challenges.

Here is what I observe about others and myself: we frequently give up on our dreams for no other reason than a lack of patience.

Now, playing the piano is a simple illustration, but the need for patience really applies to everything valuable in life. Here are 3 things that I believe to be true:

1. It takes time to change.
2. It takes time to grow.
3. It takes time to develop wisdom.

So, if your dream requires change or growth or wisdom (which all worthwhile dreams are certain to require), then I suggest that you deliberately choose to be patient with yourself and with the process.

Celebrate the setbacks and challenges and the time it takes to overcome them. That time invested is taking you ever closer to your dream.

• Exercise:
  What parts of your becoming are you trying to rush through?
  How can you slow down and be patient with the process?

When seat belts came along, they were kind of a novelty, an added feature to a car. Eventually it became evident that seatbelts saved lives and were not a novelty; they were a necessity.

There are times when I find myself knowing I should fasten my seatbelt, thinking about it, driving down the road and yet not fastening the seatbelt! Why do I do that? When wisdom, laws, and all the facts agree that that is a better course of action, why do I fight it once in a while?

Why do you fight it? It might not be seatbelts that are your problem. In fact, it probably is not. But perhaps it is making healthy eating choices when you know you struggle with your weight. Or taking your vitamins and supplements on a consistent basis even when you know they make a difference for you. Or tending to a relationship that you know needs a response or an encouragement. Or reading your goals every morning and every evening.

There are things that we know need to be done. We know when to do them. We know why to do them. We know how to do them. Wisdom and facts and experience tell us to do these things, and yet for some reason, we do not do them. So, perhaps today we need to get painfully honest with ourselves and ask the tough questions: Why do I do that? Is it laziness? Is it pride? Is it a lack of correct priorities? Is it a wrong habit pattern? As we begin to discover these answers, we are well on our way to changing some things about ourselves and becoming more and more of the people that we are created to be.

• Exercise:
  Identify a place in your life where you habitually avoid doing something that you know you should do.
  Why do you do that?