Integral Development Forum

There is deep importance in choosing to be my own best friend. It is because if I am not deliberately working to act as my own best friend, I can easily turn into my own worst enemy.

There is a constant interior monologue about ourselves that we listen to. There is one voice that is consistently building us up and encouraging us, and another voice that is consistently belittling us and discouraging us. Those two voices come from the same person, and that person is our own self.

The fact is that in any situation, in any challenge, in any triumph, there will be both good and bad.

So, in those moments where we need the positive voice to focus on the good pieces of whatever situation we find ourselves in … are we our own best friend or our own worst enemy? Which voice will we choose to listen to?

A best friend will encourage me in times of difficulties. A best friend will help me feel better about myself.

Today, as you think about you, determine to be your own best friend in good times and in times of challenges.

When you choose to treat yourself this way, you will attract the type of people who want to have those deep, life-giving relationships with you. You will find yourself surrounded with friends who encourage you and lift you up, all because you decided to set that example first by being your own best friend.

• Exercise:
  Consider the interior monologue you have had about yourself today.
  Are you acting as your own best friend or your own worst enemy?
  What is one thing you can encourage yourself with today?

Radicalize Your Habit Patterns

Once you have determined that there are places in your life where a preference could be moved to a place of lower priority, then you need to begin to look at your habits.

Many experts indicate that most everything we do, we do because of habits.

It is important then that we recognize we have habit patterns and that they are more than just a simple matter of routines we go through in living life.

Oftentimes in this process of living life and striving forward in order to become all that we are created to be, we get slowed down by the habits that are comfortable to us.

So what are we to do? Perhaps we must begin by recognizing the fact that by establishing some new habit patterns, we can do away with those that have previously held us back. We can be deliberate about creating new routines that will break the non-productive habits we have formed.

If you are willing to actually change your habit pattern in order to accomplish your goal, my assessment is that your goal is indeed worth it.

• Exercise:
  Consider some of the current habits that you have. Where are these habits really taking you?
  What 3 habits do you need to get rid of? What 3 new habits do you need to develop?

Rearrange Your Personal Preferences and Priorities

After we reallocate our time and assess our relationships, the next thing we need to look at when we decide whether or not something is worth the price is our personal preferences and priorities.

There are places I like to go and people I like to be with, and yes, there are just things that I like to do. They are good for me, they are good to me, and yet I recognize the fact that some of those things that I like to do so much take a disproportionate amount of my time.

There are areas of life that take too much of our time, and we get drawn away into doing things that we enjoy doing simply because we enjoy doing them.

Sometimes these personal preferences start to overtake the things that need to happen in our lives in order to facilitate becoming the people we are created to be.

Perhaps it’s a question of priorities. I believe that there is a way to achieve balance in life that allows for both the things we like to do and the things we need to do. That balance begins by rearranging preferences to fit into a priority structure.

When I do make the effort to complete the higher priority items on my agenda, it makes the time that I devote to those things that I enjoy so much more enjoyable.

I have discovered that I must be willing to step outside of my comfort zone in order to achieve something greater.

• Exercise:
  Consider your goals.
  Are there some preferences in your life that have a higher priority level than your goals?
  Would it be worth it to rearrange those preferences so that you could achieve your goals?
  Write down some ideas of what that rearrangement could look like for you.

Risk Relationship Testing

As we prepare to count the costs for what we plan to achieve in life, we must also evaluate our relationships. I refer to this as relationship testing, and there are risks to it.

One of the basic desires of the human being is to be loved. There are certain things that make us feel loved: being accepted by those around us, having them like us, having them approve of us, having the respect us, having them include us in their lives. The value of fulfilling relationships is very important to our balance and happiness in life.

When we begin to count the cost, one of the costs involved is that sometimes our realignment of time causes certain relationships to have less time invested. This is not to say that we abandon healthy, life-giving relationships.

Now a healthy relationship, a true friendship, will not only survive that, but it will thrive on it. A true friend really wants what is best for you.

They will support you, encourage you, uplift you, and they will understand that the time sacrifice is worth the end result of you achieving your dream.

Some friends can be insecure and will not want to sacrifice time with you. These friends will hold too tightly to you.

These friends will attempt to pull you down, whether they even realize it or not.

So, there is some testing of relationships that will have to take place in the course of counting the costs. You and I have to make those tough choices.

Although it is a difficult thing to do, sometimes we have to say good-bye. We have to decide whether or not the dream, goal, purpose, or passion of our life is worth distancing ourselves from relationships that suppress us from becoming all that we are created to be.

• Exercise:
  Think carefully about your 5 closest friendships.
  Do these friends support your dream?
  Is there anyone from whom you need some distance?

Time Allotments

Am I willing to pay the price? It was a question we asked of ourselves when we first began to set some preliminary goals. For the next four days, we will discuss some deeper questions we can ask and answers we can find when we begin to address the worth of any specific goal or vision or purpose.

When we first begin to determine if a goal is worth it, we need to figure out what the time price tag is. What are the actions that will make our goal a reality? What amount of time will they require?

A part of the price we will pay when we actively pursue a goal is to realign our allotments of time. We are going to have to make better use of the time that is available because the reality of it is that there are only 24 hours in a day.

If we are going to go from the place we are to the place we want to be, we have to reallocate our time. Doing this will allow us to get more from each day, each week, and each month as we work towards our goal.

Depending on how scheduled you are, you probably have at least a rough idea of what your time commitments are for a typical day and week.

When you are ready to commit to the pursuit of a new goal or vision, it is important to decide what parts of your current time allotments you are willing to restructure or sacrifice to make room for the new pursuit. Are you willing to cut out an hour of TV per day to focus on exercise? Are you willing to sacrifice one social night per week out with friends to work on your new business venture?

Whatever it is for you, decide what the new time structure will look like. This will help you determine if it really is worth it and whether or not it holds enough value for you to pay the price.

• Exercise:
  Think about a goal that feels too overwhelming because of the time it will take.
  Assess your schedule and determine if you could realign your time allotments so that you can be free to pursue your goal.
  Is it worth it?

What do you value in your life?

There is a tendency to connect the word “value” with monetary value almost instantaneously.

That is not the sort of value that we want to focus our thoughts on today. The values we approach today are better defined as a person’s principles or standards of behavior, or one’s judgment of what is most important in life.

It is pivotal to note your initial response to the word “value”. What comes to mind?

Think about what means the most to you in life. These places are probably the areas where you will feel most fulfilled in investing your time and talents.

For me, some of the first things that come to mind in terms of values in life are relationships and people. I have discovered that one of the most significant ways to show a person you value them as an individual is to invest time with him or her.

There are many other areas of life where humans tend to find value: character, wealth, status, spiritual commitments, achievements, possessions … and the list just keeps going.

Today is simply a time to ask yourself the questions: What do I value? What are the things in my life that are the most important to me? What are the things that draw my attention? What are the things that I most treasure?

There is something that happens when we take the time to crystallize our thoughts enough so that they can be written down.

When we can come to the point where we can clearly identify an area of our lives in which our highest value is placed, we will be on our way to discovering how we can live life dynamically.

• Exercise:
  Take the time to write down the things that you value in your life.
  What is your highest value?

Comparison often goes hand in hand with competition. Competition can be a wonderful tool to accomplish things. When we compete against someone, it can be a healthy dynamic where we are both striving for a goal.

However, it can also create a very unhealthy dynamic. When we start to simply want to beat the other person by tearing them down rather than bettering ourselves, we are starting down a path to our own destruction.

We each have the choice to use competition as something that will help us or hinder us on the path of becoming all that we are created to be.

One way to use competition in a healthy way is as accountability partners. If you each have a goal in the same area, you can encourage each other and push each other farther than if you are doing it alone.

Once again, however, you must be mindful that there is a trap here.

If I begin to compare with others who have achieved what I am attempting, I could begin to frequently rationalize the advantages they have. For example: He has more money, so he can purchase healthier food. He has more time, so he can go to the gym whenever he wants. He has more encouragement from his family, so it’s easier for him.

If I don’t rationalize it that way, another trap is that I can begin to tear down my competitors. I might undermine their success with cruel comments, harsh judgments, or criticism.

There is one other form of competition that can be either healthy or hurtful, depending on how we approach it: self-competition.

The caveat with self-competition is the same as with any other competition: I must compete for the purpose of bettering myself, not discouraging myself.

The conclusion that I have come to is that competition can be a great way to propel myself towards greatness, but only if I focus on the scenarios where everybody wins.

• Exercise:
  Is there a running mate in your life that you could compete with in a way that would help you both win?
  What would that competition look like?

Previously, we discussed my belief that comparison is the single most damaging process in human relationships. We are going to revisit comparison today to unpack a few more thoughts on it because this topic is one that can transform a life or a relationship forever.

Comparison is very common in our world. It is a practice used when evaluating employees. What’s the measuring stick for evaluating someone? Often it is where you are ranked in certain metrics versus your peers.

It is clear then that comparison is probably not something we can simply avoid.

So, if we cannot steer clear of it, perhaps we can choose to take a healthy approach to it.

Often when we are trying to improve, we look for people that we admire and try to emulate the things we like about them.

This is a good thing, a healthy and productive practice that can push us to become all that we are created to be. However, there is a trap here.

For example, if I begin to get to know a fellow author or business leader whom I admire, it could be a relationship that helps me develop strengths that I still need to hone. However, if I begin to think, this guy is younger than I am, he’s accomplished so much more than I ever have, he’s sold more books, he’s had a bigger impact, etc… well, now I’ve just discouraged myself instead of bettered myself, and very possibly weakened a relationship that could have helped me be a stronger person and even become more of the person I am created to be.

Here’s the key: it is never effective to discourage either yourself or someone else based on the comparison of your abilities or beliefs or accomplishments. It is always effective to look upon the abilities or beliefs or accomplishments of others as an inspiration and encouragement for you to be better. And when you have accomplished something great, it is an opportunity for you to use that to encourage rather than discourage the people that will inevitably compare themselves to you.

• Exercise:
  Is there someone in your life that you compare yourself to and then use that comparison to discourage yourself from becoming a better person?
  How can you turn that same comparison into something that will encourage you?

The final superhighway to the land of your nightmares is one that the vast majority of people travel. It is part of our culture and it is part of our tendency as humans, and it will remain so until we recognize it and strive for something better. I call this superhighway the “You-Don’t-Say Expressway”.

Travelers on this road live and talk as though their talk has nothing to do with how they live.

The “You-Don’t-Say Expressway” says that what we talk about really has no effect upon our lives, so we can just talk about whatever we want to talk about. A traveler on this road will reject the idea that speaking things into existence is a reality.

She will believe that it is completely acceptable to be sarcastic, to put people down, to be negative, even to tell lies or use fowl language or exaggerate. She will assume that people can tell the difference between when she is joking and when she is being serious and she will use her wit and power with words to appear clever and humorous.

She will also believe that speaking about her worries or fears has no power at all in bringing them about.

The most alarming part of this superhighway is that travelers on it cannot see the damage that their words do, even when it is right in front of them. Because they reject the idea that words have power, they do not make the connection in their minds between the things they speak about and the things that are going on around them.

• Exercise:
  We can all find ourselves on the “You-Don’t-Say Turnpike” from time to time, speaking about something or someone negatively.
  Today, write down one person or situation about which you find yourself speaking negatively from time to time and resolve today to speak positive words aloud about that person or situation.

I call it the “Poor-Little-Old-Me Turnpike”. On this road, the traveler will buy into the lie that happiness comes to the lucky ones and that he is just not lucky. He will believe that some people just got a better break in life than he did and that it is simply his lot in life to suffer.

Travelers on the “Poor-Little-Old-Me Turnpike” become really good at developing excuses, so much so that they begin to deceive themselves.

They refuse to see life through a healthier, more positive lens. Any attempts to encourage them towards taking responsibility for their circumstances are categorically rejected.

Their goal, whether they know it or not, is sympathy. They end up draining their friends and loved ones of all sympathy, however, because their insatiable appetites becomes a never-satisfied desire.

Eventually, they become addicted to the sympathy that they receive and honesty and integrity lose their value. They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they live as a constant victim.

Road signs on this superhighway include the constant revisiting of past events and the continuous need for sympathy. Travelers here tend to make many roadside stops to tell others about the hurts of the past.

If you find yourself on this highway, don’t beat yourself up. Many of us will get on this highway for a time or even many times throughout our lives. The key is to recognize it and to get off of it.

• Exercise:
  Have you ever found yourself trapped on the “Poor-Little-Old-Me Turnpike”?
  Are you on it now?
  Write down one thing you have pitied yourself for that perhaps you could decide to take responsibility for instead.