Integral Development Forum

What I’m suggesting is that we seek out and cultivate a healthy relationship with someone who is on the path of becoming the best version of himself. When a relationship like that is safe and commensurate and both parties agree to hold each other accountable for the process of personal growth, huge advancement can be made.

For some of us, this person may be our spouse. They can tell us if we are being too hard or too easy-going with our responses to self-evaluation questions. However, having this relationship with our spouse isn’t always a good idea because sometimes it is very tempting to be overly critical of a spouse.

There may be a friend or partner or teammate who could be this accountability partner for you. As you cultivate this relationship with your accountability partner, keep in mind that you will also have the opportunity to hold him accountable and to ask tough questions.

Remember that your input can profoundly affect his life. Do your very best to leave your accountability partner better than you found him.

Sometimes there is not a readily apparent accountability partner in our lives. In that case, we may need to find a life coach or a counselor.

As valuable as this is, I’m always cautious when finding mentors or accountability partners in my life. When I am truly transparent with a person, I am vulnerable. If I choose a mentor poorly, he could quite easily do me severe harm, even if he has good intentions.

“Every person is a package.” Every person has his own weaknesses and perspectives and insecurities. We are all human, and so we are all flawed. Keeping that in mind, it is certainly possible for you to find a person who is aligned with your beliefs about life and about personal development. As long as you don’t set this person up to be the one who defines you and gives you the answers to all of your problems, an accountability relationship can be extremely beneficial.

The path to becoming our best selves is one that is lined with safe, healthy, life-giving relationships. It is not a path we are meant to walk alone.

• Exercise:
  What person or people in your life are potential accountability partners or mentors?
  Are you willing to pursue an accountability relationship with them?

Questions are capable—when answered honestly—of revealing truths that are incredibly valuable to our life’s journey.

During our time today we are going to be thinking about questions that we ask ourselves. While some of these questions can be really tough for us to answer, they are key to staying on the path to real success and being committed to a process of self-discovery.

Questions that cause me to truly reflect upon where I am and how I got there—questions like: What is good in this situation? What can I learn from this? How did I arrive in this situation? What is my body language saying right now? Why do I feel afraid? Why do I feel happy? or Is this leading me towards becoming the person that I am created to be?

Another really important part of developing the skill of asking yourself questions is to learn how to ask follow-up questions. If you try a new food, it isn’t enough to simply ask yourself, “Do I like this?” The follow-up question would be, “Why do I like this?”

I think you can understand the process here. The purpose of these questions—in the food analogy but more importantly in the greater growth opportunities of life—is to be self-aware. When we discover how to ask ourselves not only about our assessment of things, but also our reasons for that assessment, we are on a path to self-discovery that will certainly help us make better choices and learn more from each experience that we have along the way.

Be fair to yourself. Honesty does not equate to debilitating self-criticism. Ask yourself the tough questions, give yourself the honest answers, and then be kind to yourself as you process those answers and move forward towards becoming all that you are created to be.

• Exercise:
  What is one experience or problem that you need to ask yourself some tough questions about?
  What are the tough questions?

What is teachability? It boils down to being willing to learn.

You have to be willing to learn. I know this seems simple, but it’s often amazing to me how unwilling people really are to learn.

On the surface, most of us probably believe that we are teachable. Yet when we are presented with opportunities to learn, we frequently dismiss them because we believe we already know how to handle things.

What I am suggesting is that we need to be constantly in the process of seeking knowledge, wisdom, and common sense. We must accept that while we may know a lot, there is always more to know. We can always improve. We can always pull some lesson out of every experience that is of benefit to us.

I’m again brought back to how essential this skill is to success in all areas of life. I would encourage you to keep it in mind the next time you are being presented with material, either at work, your place of worship, or just reading an article. Having the attitude that everyone has something to teach me and that I always have something to learn is a great mindset in life!

• Exercise:
  Is there a place or a person in your life that creates an atmosphere in which you have decided that it is okay for you to be resistant to learning?
  Why is that?
  Can you think of a way to still choose to be teachable?

Today is a simple reminder that our focus needs to be on a daily commitment to personal growth.

Those who get really good at focusing every day on little things will soon discover that they can do more and then more.

But it doesn’t take much distraction to pull us away from our well-formed habits … and it also seems to take a large amount of effort to pick those habits back up again. So what helps us stay committed?

For me, it’s reminders. Reminders that each and every day there is something I can change for the better. In my thinking, my actions, or my conversations, I need to do something every day.

So today and every day, let’s be deliberate. Let’s purposefully choose to engage study and thought, whether we feel like it or not. Let’s persistently choose to do the simple exercises provided in this book, whether it seems like we have time for them or not. Let’s steadfastly commit to being in control of our interior monologue and to encouraging our own self-talk towards the positive and uplifting side of the spectrum. Let’s tirelessly pursue the idea that we can indeed become all that we are created to be.

• Exercise:
  Evaluate your daily routine.
  Where is one place you can be more deliberate about personal growth?

There are many factors that can make it difficult to determine what it is that you are really good at—what it is that you are created to do.

So how do you find the path that you should follow?

This is not an easy question. Maybe the place to start is to ask yourself what you like to do.

Another option is to seek out input from mentors in your life. This may be your parents, spouse, professors, professional colleagues, or close friends. This input can be really helpful. I do need to advise you to be very careful to choose your mentors wisely.

A third method to discover what you are really good at is to do a sort of self-inventory. You could create your own, and begin by listing things that you like doing and areas that bring you satisfaction.

Ask the mentors of your life for input and use the guides to learn more about yourself. Process both of these things and use them to reduce your options. Then start trying out the best options! You might just discover what it is that you are great at doing.

Understanding your talents and being able to apply them will bring great joy into your life. It will also allow you to find others who have complementary talents and together I believe you will accomplish wonderful things.

• Exercise:
  What are some things that you would like to try out as a part of this process?

You can do anything that you set your mind to do.

When you come to believe that you are an incredible creation with vast potential, it is powerful. You can do anything that you set your mind to do. Now, this means that you probably cannot and will not do things that are beyond the realm of your current understanding of scientific possibilities – things like time travel or flying. What it means is that you can do what you truly believe you can do.

We each have unique areas that we are gifted in, and the more we focus on these areas, the more we can accomplish. Our task then becomes discovering the things that we are really good at and then focusing our attention and time and effort on those things. When we do, we will be amazed by our productivity, achievement, and satisfaction with our lives.

The sheer volume of possibilities in our world can create a distraction trap that can impede us from fully discovering our own gifts and passions and strengths.

But if we try to become good at everything, then we will probably miss out on being great at a few things.

The first thing we can conclude, then, is that there are lots of interests, careers, and life paths that we could choose, and each of them offers rewards. The second thing we can conclude is that we are not meant to go down all of those paths.

• Exercise:
  What do you believe that you are created to become?
  What are you currently doing that might be a distraction to that purpose?

When I set out to accomplish something, I want that task to be done with excellence. Years ago when I went to do something, it had to be perfect. There is a great difference between excellence and perfection.

How could I know that the job others would do would be as good as mine? The effort that I perceived it would take to “fix” their mistakes seemed like more of a burden to me than simply doing it all myself.

Well, I suppose that sounds a little prideful, doesn’t it? But the fact is, some personalities just have that perfectionistic nature.

To accomplish certain things, I had to have a team of people and I had to trust that they would do an excellent job.

John Maxwell made some comments that were profound to me. To summarize, he had concluded that he was good at only four things, and if the task required something outside of those four things, he needed to find someone else to do it. He went on to add that they would do the task far better than he could have done it, and collectively they would accomplish things on a much larger scale with greater impact and a higher degree of excellence.

I still believe that we are equipped to do anything we set our minds to do so long as we can conceive and believe it. The realization I came to is that just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.

We will learn more on another day about our gifts, talents, and areas of expertise.

Let’s focus on empowering others and trusting them to accomplish their parts of the task with excellence. This requires us to select the correct people for the job we are delegating, and that can be a learning process – but it’s one worth pursuing. When we learn to see and encourage and empower the talents and gifts of others, we discover a whole new way of achieving excellence together.

• Exercise:
  What is a project that you are currently working on that could benefit from the use of effective delegation?
  How can you implement this?
  

True humility is a quiet acknowledgment of, and an appreciation for, the gifts and strengths that we possess.

Many people think that humility has more to do with self-deprecation, with belittling our strengths and not taking credit where credit is genuinely due. By many standards, a humble person is one who doesn’t appreciate his own gifts, but rather seeks to demean them.

Psychologists and teachers and coaches and leaders all agree, the vast majority of greatness comes from focusing on our strengths. This focus is not in a way that belittles others; it’s a confident acceptance that our strengths and our gifts are exactly that: gifts.

If we are not grateful for the gifts that we have, we are likely to become bitter over what we don’t have. Bitterness is a poor substitute for humility.

But if we can focus our attention upon the gifts that we have been given, we will avoid bitterness over our perceived shortcomings.

If we could somehow eliminate that kind of comparative, competitive culture, it would be a different world. Of course, we cannot change the culture of the world in which we live, and most people adjust to living within a framework of comparison and competition.

We can change ourselves, and thereby influence the atmosphere of the world in which we live.

When we consistently remind ourselves that we have gifts that are worth appreciating and exploring, we choose to exit that comparative, competitive framework. Instead, we discover that we can exist in something so much more inspiring and motivating: a place where we embrace our gifts and work each day towards becoming all that we are created to be.

• Exercise:
  What are some of your “gifts”?
  What is one way that you have shown gratitude this week for one of your gifts?
  

Avoiding procrastination

It’s time to execute some plans, begin some tasks, and achieve some goals. Here are some ways to handle the temptation to procrastinate.

Step #1: Do what is most important

Anything that comes in the way of the most important thing to do right now is procrastination. Resist the urge to handle the urgent rather than the important. Handle the important.

Step #2: Establish your priorities

Make a list of your priorities in life, and then rank your to-do list accordingly. Don’t allow the pressure of others’ disproval or judgment upon your priorities to cause you to feel guilt about sticking to them. And don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from those priorities because of urgencies that crop up.

Step #3: Evaluate the excuses

Assess the interior monologue in your head when it comes to something you think you might be procrastinating on. If anything sounds like some of the interior thoughts of the 7 warning signs from yesterday, you may want to make some deliberate choices to look at the task from a better perspective.

Step #4: Find an accountability partner

Find someone who is as committed to abolishing procrastination in his or her life as you are in your own. The accountability will produce extremely favorable results. Be sure that your partner does not validate your excuses … they are there to help you win, not to make you feel good.

Step #5: Be honest in your self-evaluation

It is true that there are times when you need to rest, or to put dreams and goals on the back burner for the sake of some other season in life. It is true that occasionally you might be too stressed or overloaded. However, be sure that you are not validating things that are not true. You know yourself, your capacity, your priorities.

• Exercise:
  Let’s get started with step #1.
  What is one important thing you can do in the next 30 minutes?
  Write it down and then GO DO IT!
  Watch how it influences your self-esteem for the better.
  

Recognizing procrastination

The biggest part of defeating procrastination in our lives is simply recognizing it!.

Warning sign #1: Low self-confidence

These procrastinators frequently think: “I’m not good enough. I’m inadequate. I can’t keep up. I have (x) problem that makes me less than a normal person.”

Warning sign #2: Chronic busyness

These procrastinators frequently think: “I’m too busy. My schedule is too full. My affairs are complicated and demanding and I have no choice but to put this off.”

Warning sign #3: Stubbornness and pride

These procrastinators frequently think: “Don’t tell me when to do something, I’ll do it when I’m good and ready. Don’t tell me what’s good for me, I’ve got myself figured out.

Warning sign #4: Manipulation

These procrastinators frequently think: “If I don’t do my part, then you can’t do your part, and I’ll have the power in this relationship.”

Warning sign #5: Coping with pressure/stress

These procrastinators frequently think: “I’m the victim here. No one should have to try and do (x) task while dealing with my situation. I’m stressed and tired and these problems I have are not my fault. I just have to give myself a break.”

Warning sign #6: Habitual procrastination

These procrastinators frequently think: “This is just the way I am … I’ll be better when the adrenaline rush hits. Procrastination is not a problem for me, it’s just who I am.”

Warning sign #7: Distraction

These procrastinators frequently think: “I can still get everything done, I just need to do this first. Oh look at that, I better do that next. You need me to handle something? Sure, I’ll do that first. Oh I forgot about this. I’ll have to take care of this before I can get to that other thing.”

• Exercise:
  Do you see these consequences manifesting in your life when you procrastinate?
  Which consequences do you feel the effects of most?